Today I feel angry, hurt and betrayed.
A few weeks ago, I asked my partner to stop doing something that I found upsetting. Some onlookers might have called it jealousy. I wouldn’t. It wasn’t. It isn’t. It’s something more than that. Either way, I asked him to stop and he agreed to it, knowing how it made me feel.
Today I found evidence that he hadn’t stopped. I went to use his computer today – to install something that didn’t work on mine, to see if he had the same issue. When I was searching for the programme, I looked at his bookmarks. 95% of which was what we had discussed that he wouldn’t do. Quite a lot of it recent. I felt utter despair, sadness and disappointment. I feel lost and alone. Not sure what I did to deserve this.
I approached him about it and he told me that he only did it because he wanted to surprise me.
At the time, we had a quite explicit and detailed conversation and he gave me assurance that he would never do it while I was not in his presence. That it was something we would share when we’re together. This evidence made it clear that my request was not followed. The evidence I found seemed much more suited to his tastes than to mine which makes his claim of wanting to surprise me seem well, not all that credible.
What am I to believe? I’d rather he told me if he was struggling with my request so that we can find some way to solve it together. Some way that we’re both happy. He’s clearly not happy with it if he feels the need to go behind my back and do it when I’m not around. We used to be able to talk about everything and anything. I’m not sure why it isn’t like that any more.