Hi. I really need some advice if thats okay? I’m considering entering into a kind of dom/sub relationship with a man and I am freaking out a bit. I haven’t done this kind of thing before, although I’ve always wanted to and I really don’t know all that much and I’m really worried about fucking this up and fucking him up and hurting him in some way. Any advice or direction you can point me in would be great!

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I’m going to assume that you’re intending to be the dominant part of this relationship?   Is it a relationship purely based around d/s only – or do you intend on spending lots of time with this person?

It depends on what kind of relationship you want to have.  What I’d do, is sit down and have a chat about what his limits might be – everyone has them… some people are into pain, some people are into a little bit of pain mixed with pleasure, some people aren’t into pain at all.  All of those are fine.  As well as pain, limits can also include humiliation, dressing up, dirty talk.. and probably a few other things I’ve missed.

Some guys like being pegged, others enjoy being held in chastity… some guys like being teased for hours on end and then being given a ruined orgasm.  That’s all very well and good, but a lot about it is what YOU enjoy doing too.  Ask yourself these questions:-

1. What do you enjoy about being in control?

2. What activities do you enjoy performing on a man for your own sexual gratification?

3. What do you want to get out of a session?

4. Do you have any particular fetishes that you want to throw into the mix?

Relationships, even D/s ones have to be 50/50.  If your submissive isn’t enjoying what you’re doing to him, then you won’t get as much enjoyment out of it either.  Having complete control over someone is knowing what they enjoy and knowing how to manipulate that for your own benefit.  Many dommes make the mistake of just “using men” to get what they want.  But it can be so much more than that.  Giving pleasure can be just as fun as receiving it.

As well as talking to your partner about what things you both enjoy, limits, etc, it’s also pretty important to get feedback after a session.  This goes for both parties – he might do something that you find irritating or you might have pushed him a little bit too far or done something that he didn’t particularly enjoy.  Sitting back and getting perspective on what happened, asking for both negative and positive feedback is only ever a good thing.  Any good d/s relationship will have this kind of interaction.

For safety 101, start here: http://evilmonk.org//a/health00.cfm

You won’t find a better BDSM safety starter guide than that.

#1 tip: Don’t watch Femdom porn for ideas.

If he isn’t much into pain, you might want to try the softer side of domination.  You can read a bit about this here: http://gamerdomme.tumblr.com/post/64289393896/what-is-sensual-domination

I like to combine a nice mix of both.  Even the most hardcore masochists will have nights where they come home from work and aren’t particularly in the mood for loads of pain… they might just want to be held.  Even if someone is into pain, it doesn’t mean they’re into pain all the time… quite a lot of d/s relationships revolve around reading your partner’s mood, or if you don’t know – asking them.  Relationships that revolve entirely around what one person wants – vanilla or D/S – usually end in a lot of unhappiness from both parties.

If you have any other questions, give me a shout.  Best of luck. 

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