Rambles

Dealing with a down

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Been through about a week of being utterly down.  It’s nothing to do with anything in my life, just a chemical imbalance of mine.  Starting to perk up again now, I feel like I’m on the up, which is good.

Describing the feeling would be something like – have you ever been so utterly worried or terrified of a mistake you made and you’re wrecking your brain trying to think of a way to fix it?  That constant worry and fear, stomach in knots, mind racing… Well it kinda feels like that all the time.  I can take meds for it but I’d rather work through it myself than feel like a vegetable.  It kinda feels like you’re being sucked into a black hole and you have to hold on tight to sanity and reality.

I’ve spent the past week vegging out, playing dwarf fortress, being anti-social and getting as fucked as possible, because, it’s just a matter of time.  I know it will pass and I have the best support network available: my awesome partner and a few good work colleagues and online friends, if I ever need to chat or vent.  I try not to make a huge deal of it, just keep myself to myself, I’m a lot quieter than normal.  I think the more you observe yourself and your reactions to it on the outside, the easier it becomes to control, to the point where, I know I don’t have to worry about it until it happens again.

My pet’s been keeping me entertained with stories and cuddles and attention and conversation.  Honestly, I suffered through so many years of being alone, even when I was in a relationship, feeling like the people around me didn’t give a fuck what was happening to me or why it was happening.  Now I know I don’t have to worry about that any more.

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4 Day Weekend

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I used to hate Easter.  My mum would have dragged me to church for 2-3 hours when I was a kid.  After that, whatever ex I was going out with at the time wanted to plan something because it was a long weekend.   We actually got invited to a christening (and party) on the Sunday, but I made my execuses.  I hate church, and I’m not really into kids.

No church, no family, no screaming babies or kids, (almost) no people. This time, I got to have the best and most perfect Easter ever.

We hibernated for four days in the Castle (that’s what we call our home) and it was glorious. Just to lie around in your nightwear and comfortable clothes and not have anyone expect you to do anything is awesome.  We played games, we watched some films, some series, ate tasty food, smoked, cuddled, fucked…. like, I know it might not be everyone’s idea of a perfect long weekend.  But it sure as hell, is mine.

Lethargy?

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I’ve been feeling a bit emotionally fragile the past few days.  I’m not really sure why.  I’ve been getting enough early nights, having enough rest and chill time and eating ok.  Work has been good.  I’ve been having nice evenings of games, tv and cuddles.

We went to see DevilDriver on Monday night.  I actually preferred their support band – Sylosis, who were fucking awesome.  It was an ok gig, we didn’t get to stand as close as I’d have liked but there were too many crazies to stand any closer.  After that we went back to the hotel and passed out almost immediately.  Hangover came swiftly the next day and we spent most of the day zombified.

We made love on Tuesday evening.  At that stage, it had been almost 4 days since my last orgasm.  I was pretty tense, pent up and almost an emotional wreck.  We hadn’t purposley planned on not playing for that long – I think he just had a few days where he was more tired than normal.  We had lots of slow, touching, kissing, licking, nibbling, cuddling foreplay, followed by me climbing on top of him and fucking him very slowly until we both came.  It was deeply satisfying.  We cuddled afterwards, our naked bodies pressed close for warmth.

We had another play session on Wednesday evening, an intensely passionate affair of rubbing and touching.  I used a tenga egg on him, he seemed to enjoy it, even though it popped off during the end when he was orgasm, I tried my best to compensate with my hand.  I think I succeeded for the most part.

Last night, we played games and watched some tv.  I don’t mind the days where we don’t have sex.  But sometimes it’s hard for me not to touch him, or strip him or pin him down and use him.  I feel like those things would be a breach of what we have – which is trust and respect.  I try my best to behave, but sometimes when he’s sitting there, lost in his own little world of spreadsheets and tea, I want to grab him and make him mine again.

I feel like we haven’t done anything terribly kinky in a while.  That’s partly due to it being winter and I don’t enjoy putting him in discomfort by making him stark naked on a freezing cold night and partly because it seems like he hasn’t really been all that interested lately in being tied up or pegged (i fucking hate that word) or dressed up, etc.  It might be lack of energy, but either way, I don’t like to push when it feels like I’m being unfair.   I understand that people aren’t always in the mood or don’t  have the energy„ etc.  At the same time, I feel like I don’t want to get into a routine of sex where we’re always doing the same thing or using the quickest method to “get off”.  Sex and exploring sex is something that I am really passionately enjoy and I’ve just felt like we’ve been a bit lazy recently.  When we planned on doing something like, having a dress up day or a green day, etc, it’s not happened.  We’ve just lazied around and not done it.

I hate summer, but perhaps sunshine and warmth will give us a bit more energy.

Lacking in willpower

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Work’s been hella busy these last couple of weeks.  Our evenings have been spent chilling on the couch or playing video games.  Sex has been lazy and slow.  Energy levels seem to be at an all-time low at the moment, for both of us.

I’ve also massively failed at my healthy eating routine, having eaten several takeaways this week and far too many evening snacks.  It’s made me feel quite down, which leads me to eating more unhealthy snacks and it just feels like a massive vicious cycle at the moment.  I feel like I have virtually no willpower and it makes me feel a bit ashamed because I know I need to do something about my weight and fitness levels.  I just need to stop being so goddamn lazy.

Kickstarting it again this week and hopefully it will give me the energy boost I need to get our sex-life the little punch it needs.  I’ll concentrate my efforts this week on making low-fat, tasty, high-energy food (any ideas/recommendations are most welcomed?).

His birthday is coming up this week and I have something awesome planned, which I can’t tell you about because he might read it! 

Things that annoy me about Fetlife

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1. How anal some of the moderators are. 

Some of them just utterly delight in powertripping all over your face and taking their job WAY too seriously. 

I’ll give you an example – I asked a question which was “describe subspace using only adjectives” in the “Ask a Submissive” forum.  My thread got closed because apparently there was a sticky that covered this.  There wasn’t! The closest sticky I could find was “What makes you submissive?”  What in the actual fuck?  How is that moderation?  So we’re not allowed to discuss any of the topics that are sticked at all, despite the fact that some of the “stickies” are no more than 2-3 lines or don’t go into any detail or are total dogshit?  What the fuck is the point of having groups then? Why not just sticky everything? Why bother having a forum for OPEN DISCUSSION?

2. Kinky & Popular

When’s the last time you saw an attractive male on K&P? When’s the last time you saw something you could even vaguely classify as “kinky” on K&P?  I’m not talking about selfies of naked chicks in front of their bathroom mirrors or a picture of some chick in a corset.  I mean, really? That’s the best the fetish community can come up with?  All that does is prove to me that Fetlife is full of vanilla guys.

3. Cliques

If you don’t worship or pay tribute to some of the more popular people or agree with everything that they say, no matter how fucking retarded, then you instantly get shot down by everyone around you.  It bothers me that people in the fetish community can be so narrow-minded…  I mean, c’mon, learn to think for yourself… at least sometimes form your own opinon?

4. Private Messages

I made a whole post about this once, where, I get submissive guys  messaging me without bothering to first read my profile.  I’m cool with the people who are like “oh hey, nice profile, bla bla bla whatever, just being friendly”.  That’s fine.  It’s the guys that are like “oh hey, im a sub, want to be my domme?”   Well actually, no, you fucknugget, I really really don’t.  My profile clearly states that i’m in a monogamous relationship.  Is it so hard to believe that a domme might be satisfied by having one submissive?

5. The interface/layout

It’s so terrible, outdated and awkward and despite being a supporter and giving them lots of money, it still has the most horrifically arcane interface I’ve ever had the displeasure of encountering. 

Creepers are horrific

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I thought crocs were ugly, but man, creepers are the most horrific looking shoes I’ve ever had the displeasure of gazing upon.  They’re not even nice in a quirky kinda way.  They’re just plain hideous.

What my dominance means to me

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My dominance. It’s dark. It’s rich. It’s complex. It has layers of flavor and texture and emotion, all so tangled up in each other. A scene isn’t a “scene”. Playing isn’t “play”.  This is our whole existence now.  I  know you inside out, heart, soul, brain, body, every single fibre of their being.

I am your Domme and I take my job very, very seriously. I spend a lot of time getting to know who you are, what you’ve gone through in your life, what your submission looks like… and, what it doesn’t. I need to know not just what all your boundaries are, but why you have them. I want to poke around in all the dark corners of your brain, and see what you have hiding back there, behind all of the cobwebs. I want to look at all of your carefully constructed walls and then take them apart, piece by agonizing piece. I want raw, brutal, unfiltered honesty. I want to see the you that you don’t show the rest of the world. I want to push your limits and show you that you are much more than you think you are… that you are capable of more, that you can give me more.

When we are “playing”, I am not catering to an audience. I don’t see, hear, smell or taste anyone but you, in those moments. Sometimes, I will take more than you were willing to give. Sometimes, there will be demands made of you that you don’t think you’re capable of meeting. I want to leave you shaken, torn, emptied… and then slowly put the pieces back. Not where you had them, but where I want them to be, because they are my pieces, now.  I want you to be satisfied with your experiences.  I want  you to glow inside, knowing that you are mine and mine alone.

There is an overwhelmingly violent attraction to your vulnerability. It makes me lick my teeth and eye you like my last meal. It makes me want to both devour you and nurture you. It’s a terrible duplicity that leaves me vulnerable, too.

Intimacy colours everything. I am completely and utterly in love with you and while sometimes, it’s terrifying, it’s completely worth it.  I can barely remember what my life was like before I met you.  What I was like.  I feel like me now.

I very much enjoy the softer, more sensual play lately, as I’ve gotten to know you over the past year. It’s something I like to dabble in more and more frequently.  Using and teasing your body, moulding and shaping you into what I want.  It’s almost an art form.  I think there is merit in it… in playing to someone’s sexuality, in surprising them with moments of intense pain instead of overwhelming them with it… in handfuls of hair and dark whispers.  I enjoy nothing more than watching you writhe and squirm and moan.  I love knowing that I’m responsible for your extacy, your loss of control.

I smile and add it to the list of things I enjoy doing with you. It’s a surprising revelation to me. I am not soft and gentle.  I’ve never been described as that.  I’ve been described as intimidating, but never gentle. We’ve grown together, you and I.