Been through about a week of being utterly down. It’s nothing to do with anything in my life, just a chemical imbalance of mine. Starting to perk up again now, I feel like I’m on the up, which is good.
Describing the feeling would be something like – have you ever been so utterly worried or terrified of a mistake you made and you’re wrecking your brain trying to think of a way to fix it? That constant worry and fear, stomach in knots, mind racing… Well it kinda feels like that all the time. I can take meds for it but I’d rather work through it myself than feel like a vegetable. It kinda feels like you’re being sucked into a black hole and you have to hold on tight to sanity and reality.
I’ve spent the past week vegging out, playing dwarf fortress, being anti-social and getting as fucked as possible, because, it’s just a matter of time. I know it will pass and I have the best support network available: my awesome partner and a few good work colleagues and online friends, if I ever need to chat or vent. I try not to make a huge deal of it, just keep myself to myself, I’m a lot quieter than normal. I think the more you observe yourself and your reactions to it on the outside, the easier it becomes to control, to the point where, I know I don’t have to worry about it until it happens again.
My pet’s been keeping me entertained with stories and cuddles and attention and conversation. Honestly, I suffered through so many years of being alone, even when I was in a relationship, feeling like the people around me didn’t give a fuck what was happening to me or why it was happening. Now I know I don’t have to worry about that any more.