male submission

My Submissive – Q&A

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A few have you have sent in some questions over the past couple of months that I finally got around to asking my sub.  Here they are  together with his answers.

1. What first attracted you to femdom?

I found a book discarded by a bus stop when I was younger. Being quite the bookworm, I read it on the bus, and I guess the seeds of alternative lifestyles comes from there. That was my first experience with a lot of things, and I think is probably the root of some of my fetishes. The book was penny in harness by penny birch. The cover attracted me because of the latex, and I enjoyed the book. I’m not really into dressing like a horse, but I guess we all refine our tastes over time!

2. What kind of d/s experience do you have prior to your current relationship?

It just kind of creeps up on you I guess. As I get older I learn more about how I feel about stuff and what I like to do so it’s constantly evolving. I had a few experiences with older, more dominant women than I was used to, and enjoyed it a lot more than the girls around my age I dated when I was a teenager. I thought it was a maturity thing, but looking back I probably enjoyed it more due to the dynamic.

Confident, strong women are much more attractive for me. I guess I have always got a kick out of my partner being in charge, it just sits naturally with me. I had a few relationships when I was younger where, as the male I was expected to be the dominant half and there are a lot of situations I can recall where I was just uncomfortable or unsure or just thinking ‘this should be the other way around’. I still made a few wrong turns on that front, but it lead me to where I am today, and I wouldn’t change that for anything. Meeting my partner changed my life for the better in more ways than I could recap here.

3. What’s your favourite kind of play?

Fave play I flutter through different moods a lot, so it varies a lot. Generally though I’d say my favourite type of play is sensual, involving lots of teasing and intimacy. I like dressing up , it makes me feel more confident and attractive, and I like to feel involved. A middle ground between being someone’s toy and being a test subject.

4. What’s your favourite outfit?
I have two. One is my maid costume.. black pvc with wet-look stockings and opera gloves, with matching frilly fingerless gloves and hair tie. This will always be special for me because it was the first full outfit I put together for myself that I was fully happy with. The other is a red dress my partner got me. I think this just reminds me of how well she knows me. It’s so perfectly something that I love that it just blows me away. I have so many lovely clothes from her it’s honestly hard to pick a favourite! Other top ones would be the shimmery short dresses she got me, a gold dress that was super cheap and fabulous, and all my shoes . I love heels. A lot.
5. What are you like outside of your relationship, with other people – what kind of person are you?
A hard question to answer hehe. I like to think that I am a nice, easy going, easy to get along with, intelligent and occasionally witty. However, I also know im chronically lazy, prone to outbursts of long and wittery prose and/ or rambling speeches, and I find it terribly hard to pretend to take an interest in people’s children. I’m not rude, I just find it difficult to engage with people over stuff I have zero interest in. I’m also very good at putting things off! Whilst my bank balance probably appreciates it, given how many clothes sit in my eBay folder on my computer, the sometimes overflowing bin in our house rumbles with discontent. I also love cuddles, pokemon, computer games, books, films, scifi and music. I have such an eclectic taste in stuff.
I can listen to jazz and death metal in the same evening. I also do have a hefty streak of obsessive behavior. When I’m interested in stuff, I can really get into it. For recent examples, see my pokemon breeding spreadsheet, or my 12 weeks of sneaky research to give my partner a lovely valentines day! I guess in the bedroom I vary wildly from being hyper slutty to delicate and unsure of myself. No idea why, but I guess I just like to go with how I’m feeling.
6. What tips would you give to a submissive man wanting to find a dominant woman?  What pitfalls would you avoid?
Go out and do things you like. Go to meetups and keep your expectations realistic. You wouldn’t expect a woman you met in a bar to fall in love with you because you bought her a cocktail, it’s not different just because she’s wielding a cane. You’ll be more likely to meet someone you get on with if you’re doing stuff you like. If I met a woman at a Tory conference, we’re not gonna be compatible just because I thaught she looked good in a suit.
Pitfalls: Don’t lie or exaggerate yourself for an internet profile. People will see through you the second you meet them. Don’t go looking for just a domme.. People are complicated and everyone is different. No use hooking up with someone you find attractive only to realise that you don’t have anything
7. Can you picture yourself in a non-d/s relationship?
Probably not. It’s been my experience that aspects of the ds relationship fit so well with my personality that I’d end up being unhappy and missing those things. Not just sexually, but I couldn’t have a relationship with someone who didn’t understand my submissive side.
8. What’s your favourite toy?
I’d say that the magic wand is my favourite, just because of its versatility. Its fun whether I’m feeling slutty or delicate.
If you have any more questions for me or him, ask them here.

What my dominance means to me

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My dominance. It’s dark. It’s rich. It’s complex. It has layers of flavor and texture and emotion, all so tangled up in each other. A scene isn’t a “scene”. Playing isn’t “play”.  This is our whole existence now.  I  know you inside out, heart, soul, brain, body, every single fibre of their being.

I am your Domme and I take my job very, very seriously. I spend a lot of time getting to know who you are, what you’ve gone through in your life, what your submission looks like… and, what it doesn’t. I need to know not just what all your boundaries are, but why you have them. I want to poke around in all the dark corners of your brain, and see what you have hiding back there, behind all of the cobwebs. I want to look at all of your carefully constructed walls and then take them apart, piece by agonizing piece. I want raw, brutal, unfiltered honesty. I want to see the you that you don’t show the rest of the world. I want to push your limits and show you that you are much more than you think you are… that you are capable of more, that you can give me more.

When we are “playing”, I am not catering to an audience. I don’t see, hear, smell or taste anyone but you, in those moments. Sometimes, I will take more than you were willing to give. Sometimes, there will be demands made of you that you don’t think you’re capable of meeting. I want to leave you shaken, torn, emptied… and then slowly put the pieces back. Not where you had them, but where I want them to be, because they are my pieces, now.  I want you to be satisfied with your experiences.  I want  you to glow inside, knowing that you are mine and mine alone.

There is an overwhelmingly violent attraction to your vulnerability. It makes me lick my teeth and eye you like my last meal. It makes me want to both devour you and nurture you. It’s a terrible duplicity that leaves me vulnerable, too.

Intimacy colours everything. I am completely and utterly in love with you and while sometimes, it’s terrifying, it’s completely worth it.  I can barely remember what my life was like before I met you.  What I was like.  I feel like me now.

I very much enjoy the softer, more sensual play lately, as I’ve gotten to know you over the past year. It’s something I like to dabble in more and more frequently.  Using and teasing your body, moulding and shaping you into what I want.  It’s almost an art form.  I think there is merit in it… in playing to someone’s sexuality, in surprising them with moments of intense pain instead of overwhelming them with it… in handfuls of hair and dark whispers.  I enjoy nothing more than watching you writhe and squirm and moan.  I love knowing that I’m responsible for your extacy, your loss of control.

I smile and add it to the list of things I enjoy doing with you. It’s a surprising revelation to me. I am not soft and gentle.  I’ve never been described as that.  I’ve been described as intimidating, but never gentle. We’ve grown together, you and I.

Halloween Night

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There he was, lying on the bed for me, naked and pale and lovely.  My hands wandered over his body as he lay there, on his back.  I brought his lips forward to kiss me.  His body trembled with want.  My fingers worked their way down his body to his thighs.  I pulled his legs apart and rubbed his little ass.  He moaned like a whore.  

I sat up so that I had more control over what I wanted to do to him.  I started working his beautiful hard cock, gently sliding it through my hands.  He was so aroused, I whispered down to him “this must be torture for you?”.  He shook his head and said that he enjoyed being mine to use.  I smiled down at him.  I got up and went in search of a toy, finding the appropriate one and a bottle of lube, I sat down on the bed again grinning down at him.  He knew what was coming.  I selected a small rubber plug from his collection, I made him hold the base of his cock so that it would stay hard and slid the lubricated toy inside him gently.  Once inside, I swapped positions with him and had him hold the toy while I played with his cock.  After teasing him for a while, I decided to step things up a bit.  

I turned his wand vibrator on and proceeded to wedge it against the little plug in his ass.  I played with his cock a little more, edging him closer and stopping.  I sat up and removed my panties and pushed his legs together, the vibrator still pressed hard against his plug.  I proceeded to slide him inside me, while I reversed onto him so that I could control the vibrator and plug as well as fuck him.  I think he lasted about 30 seconds inside me in the reverse cowgirl position before he came, hard, really hard.  I sat up and the cum dripped from my pussy all over his belly.  He lay there in shock.  I don’t think he was quite expecting to orgasm so quickly.  I cleaned him up and held him.  After a smoke, we slipped into the abyss of a long, dark sleep.

Midweek – Cum & Cuddles

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Last night, I took him down to bed early.  I picked a pretty red dress, black suspender belt and tan stockings for him to wear with long silky pink gloves.  I lay in bed and watched him get dressed.  He’s a little bit more gentle now with the stockings.  I could do it for him so that the stockings aren’t damaged or laddered but then, he’d never learn.  

Once he’d finished dressing, he climbed into bed and lay down beside me. Those beautiful big blue eyes staring  up at me from the pale hue of his ivory skin.  His long pretty hair draped over his shoulders suggestively.  His lithe arms reaching up to me indicating that he wanted to be held.  I melted as I looked down at him and pulled him close, to warm his cold skin.

I have my period at the moment, one of those long, heavy, painful “catch-up” periods.  I haven’t had a period in a few months so this period is going out of it’s way to make me feel all of the missed ones all at once.  I felt pretty horrific.  Sore stomach, swollen sore breasts, limited energy reserves.  None of that stopped me wanting him, not even for a second.  I’d been aroused all day from looking at sneaky pictures of him on my phone.

There we lay, bodies close together, I started touching him, very gently.  He responded better to my gentle touches than he did to my heavy strokes so I decided to be gentle with him this evening.  Each gentle touch felt like heaven on my fingertips.  His body reacts so beautifully, he squirms around and moans softly, letting me know I’m touching the right places.  I began stroking his cock, gentle but powerful strokes.  He almost came.  I told him that it was too soon and that it would be a while before I’d let him cum.

I turned him over onto his side so that I had full access to his pretty bottom.  I lifted his skirt up and applied plenty of lubricant to his little ass, making sure to give it a good rub.   I lubed up the toy that I’d planned on using that evening – which was a prostate stimulator (Nexus Excel) – and began inserting it slowly into his ass.  His body reacted almost immediately and he moaned and wriggled.  I placed a hand on his hip to steady him and slid it inside him.  When it was all the way in, I wiggled it a little and played with it for a little bit while lying behind him.  He lay there and took it like a good little sub and I decided after a while, to step things up a little.  

I turned the wand vibrator on (which is mains powered so very powerful vibrations) and rubbed his thighs with it, to let him know what was coming.  I teased him a little by placing the vibrator on the tip of the toy that was protruding from his ass, gently at first and then full-on.  He moaned and squirmed in pleasure as the vibrations ran through his body.  Suddenly he froze and his body had gone entirely rigid.  I turned the vibrator off and asked if he was ok.  ”Do you mind if I go for a pee?” he said, in a meek little voice.   I chuckled, “of course not”.  He exited the room so I used the opportunity to reposition myself for what was to come.

When he got back, I told him to get on his hands and knees.  He obeyed and stuck his little ass out.  I reached underneath him and felt his cock with one arm and had my other hand on the toy sticking out of his ass.  I made him hard with a few simple strokes and began stimulating both areas at once.  Within about a minute of being fucked by both hands, I heard his little cry for release “can I come please?  please?”.  ”Yes you can” was my reply.  I kept him on edge a little more by changing the tempo of my strokes or tightening and loosening my grip.  At this stage, all of the rope in the world wouldn’t have held him down and he was moaning really loudly, I decided to let him release.  His body shuddered in my hands as his orgasm hit. 

I was happy.  He told me that it was a very intense one.  That made me happier.  I tied his hair back and told him to go and clean up.  After that, I held him for a while and, after our post-sexytimes cigarette, we drifted off to sleep, both utterly exhausted.   

Q&A – Submissive dynamics

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Question: 

Hi, I read your response to the person asking about how to talk down to their male submissive. I would like to learn more about a dynamic that I don’t quite understand.

I have been with a girl for about 6 months and things are great. We identify with me being her daddy and her being my little girl. We have also played (and I had experience before meeting her) with me being submissive, so I’ve explored the range of BDSM roles.

Nothing about my dominant or submissive side is turned on or excited by saying something like “your pathetic attempts to get free….” I am not being critical, I know this is common in BDSM. But neither as a male dominant or submissive would that kind of language ever feel right for me. I know it’s different strokes for different folks. Which leads me to my question. What do you like about calling your partner’s efforts pathetic? What does he like about it?

I love coddling my little girl when she’s upset, even if it’s from something I pushed (say, exploring anal…), and when I’ve felt submissive, I still like to feel empowered, not pathetic or little or having a “back pussy” or clit or whatever.

Anyway I am very curious and if you could provide some kind of insight in what it seems many men like when being submissive, I would really appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time to read this!

Answer:

Hi there

Apologies for the delayed response – I was AFK most of the weekend. Since the majority of your question is directed at my submissive, I’ve asked him to write a response for you, since he is much better at describing his frame of mind than me. Here it is:

Mainly the enjoyment I get out of my partners verbal encouragement or ‘humiliation’ is that it helps to reinforce the current dynamic that we have when we are in bed. Whilst I am submissive, my mood and tolerance for different acts varies wildly from day to day. Depending on what we’re doing, what my partner says can have a massive effect on how I’m feeling. If she picks the right words for the time, subconsciously my frame of mind is reinforced and I find it easier and more natural to do whatever it is I am doing. This isn’t to say that it suits every occasion, but as a general rule of thumb I will enjoy it when she uses words as well as actions when she is having her way with me.

This all sounds pretty vague I’m sure, but it’s an important point. As for the specifics you mentioned.. straight up humiliation isn’t something I enjoy generally. I may occasionally be in the mood for it but generally, straight up telling me I’m pathetic is a sure way of snapping me out of a relaxed and aroused state of mind. I guess to me, I can enjoy ‘humiliation’ if it’s something I would actually want to do (but night not admit to in normal conversation). If it literally is just humiliating, I don’t enjoy that. I don’t think enjoying that kind of humiliation is actually that common. When my partner says something like the ’ ..pathetic..’ example you gave, her tone/smirk whatever lets me know she isn’t actually putting me down like that, although reading it in text I think kinda makes it read a lot differently to how it’s said and meant. Usually it’s just a form of teasing (which I enjoy immensely). If I thought she actually thought I was pathetic it would ruin my mood instantly. I’m not one of those subs you see on fetlife who like being objectified and put down and stuff.. I actually believe they’re much more uncommon than the internet would seem to suggest. There are a few tired old clichés on the internet, and I think that’s one of them, but that’s probably out of scope of this reply lest I write you an essay ;p

With the example you mentioned about feeling empowered.. I believe that’s entirely down to the submissive, I don’t think you can generalise something like that. When my partner treats me like a girl, dresses me up etc, that isn’t humiliating me or putting me down. For me, my slutty side is a huge part of who I am. When that side of me comes to the fore, those ARE the things that empower me. When it expresses itself, those things don’t humiliate me, they’re how I think about myself. When I feel like that, when I am feeling my slutty self, she can tell me all kinds of filthy things and it will arouse me. It helps me let go and just, be myself.

That’s not to say that that side of me always enjoys that kind of language, sometimes I am in much less of a slutty mood and that kind of language would ruin my mood. My partner knows very well when calling me a slut is appropriate to my mood and when id rather be called princess. If in feeling delicate and she tells me to imagine something that I would find humiliating, I wouldn’t enjoy it. I think, as you say, it’s horses for courses 🙂

I hope this answers most of your question. 

If you have a question you’d like to ask – you can send it to me here.

Domme Questions: How do I ‘talk down’ to my sub?

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How do I ‘talk down’ to my sub? I’m not sure what to say and don’t want to repeat myself.

This particular thing is new to me but my sub mentioned he wanted me to “talk down to him” today.

I kinda drew a blank.

Sure, I called him a slut & whore and told him I owned him and stuff but it felt repetitive.

What else can I say?

Taken from Reddit.

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My Response: 

Some methods I use on my submissive are to talk through the situation that I have him in at that moment “so I have you all tied up like my filthy little whore. I see you struggling against your binds but they won’t budge, your pathetic little attempts to escape won’t work, I’ve tied you down good”.. that kind of thing… just, describe what you’re doing to him at that time.

Then I usually move on to describe what I intend to do to him, which usually triggers a vocal response of some kind either in the form of words, a whimper or moaning. I say things like “I’m going to use your cock now to get myself off, don’t you dare fucking cum”. When I’m doing this, sometimes I have him blindfolded, sometimes I have him gagged, sometimes I’m holding his neck/throat from behind with my arm and whispering it in his ear.

The point is – It doesn’t all have to be about what you say (simply describing a situation is easy to do, and it helps put you in the mood as well), but also the way you say it and the position you have him in, if he can respond or not (is he gagged? does he have a dildo in his throat?). I much prefer my submissive to be unable to respond, this renders him feeling even more helpless. I also like it when he drools on himself… You might feel differently.

I dress my submissive up in sexy clothing too, I tell him that I’m going to rub his little clit, that drives him pretty crazy… it’s all about knowing what he enjoys and playing on that… your partner might not enjoy being feminised… but he will have triggers that you need to decipher… and work around that.

If you’re struggling with not knowing what to say, you can initiate some back-chat, for example – doing something on his body, whether it be a stimulus or an act of pain, and asking him to describe exactly how he feels. If his answer is adequate, you can smile at him and call him names. If he struggles to answer because he is being over-stimulated or in a lot of pain, then you can raise your voice and tell him that his answer was insufficient “that’s not good enough, tell me”…”i didn’t hear you past the pathetic whimpering”… as well as that, you can also issue him with commands, things like: sit up straight, spread your legs, bend over, a little more…. anyway, you get the point, that’s just a few of examples of methods that I use on my submissive.

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If you have any other suggestions, feel free to answer… 🙂