- We are people too, and all the vanilla courtesies still apply. For you as well as me.
- Don’t fawn all over us; you will sound like a tool. Don’t call us “Mistress“, “Goddess” or “Lady” unless we tell you to. Don’t try to act like our sub without our…
God this is so true.
Hi. I really need some advice if thats okay? I’m considering entering into a kind of dom/sub relationship with a man and I am freaking out a bit. I haven’t done this kind of thing before, although I’ve always wanted to and I really don’t know all that much and I’m really worried about fucking this up and fucking him up and hurting him in some way. Any advice or direction you can point me in would be great!
I’m going to assume that you’re intending to be the dominant part of this relationship? Is it a relationship purely based around d/s only – or do you intend on spending lots of time with this person?
It depends on what kind of relationship you want to have. What I’d do, is sit down and have a chat about what his limits might be – everyone has them… some people are into pain, some people are into a little bit of pain mixed with pleasure, some people aren’t into pain at all. All of those are fine. As well as pain, limits can also include humiliation, dressing up, dirty talk.. and probably a few other things I’ve missed.
Some guys like being pegged, others enjoy being held in chastity… some guys like being teased for hours on end and then being given a ruined orgasm. That’s all very well and good, but a lot about it is what YOU enjoy doing too. Ask yourself these questions:-
1. What do you enjoy about being in control?
2. What activities do you enjoy performing on a man for your own sexual gratification?
3. What do you want to get out of a session?
4. Do you have any particular fetishes that you want to throw into the mix?
Relationships, even D/s ones have to be 50/50. If your submissive isn’t enjoying what you’re doing to him, then you won’t get as much enjoyment out of it either. Having complete control over someone is knowing what they enjoy and knowing how to manipulate that for your own benefit. Many dommes make the mistake of just “using men” to get what they want. But it can be so much more than that. Giving pleasure can be just as fun as receiving it.
As well as talking to your partner about what things you both enjoy, limits, etc, it’s also pretty important to get feedback after a session. This goes for both parties – he might do something that you find irritating or you might have pushed him a little bit too far or done something that he didn’t particularly enjoy. Sitting back and getting perspective on what happened, asking for both negative and positive feedback is only ever a good thing. Any good d/s relationship will have this kind of interaction.
For safety 101, start here: http://evilmonk.org//a/health00.cfm
You won’t find a better BDSM safety starter guide than that.
#1 tip: Don’t watch Femdom porn for ideas.
If he isn’t much into pain, you might want to try the softer side of domination. You can read a bit about this here: http://gamerdomme.tumblr.com/post/64289393896/what-is-sensual-domination
I like to combine a nice mix of both. Even the most hardcore masochists will have nights where they come home from work and aren’t particularly in the mood for loads of pain… they might just want to be held. Even if someone is into pain, it doesn’t mean they’re into pain all the time… quite a lot of d/s relationships revolve around reading your partner’s mood, or if you don’t know – asking them. Relationships that revolve entirely around what one person wants – vanilla or D/S – usually end in a lot of unhappiness from both parties.
If you have any other questions, give me a shout. Best of luck.
I’m thinking of my own partner here, and I guess, for me it’s his gentleness, feminine ways and movement, softness of skin, the way his gorgeous long hair falls over his shoulders, the way he smiles at me – a really sweet smile. I call him my little lesbian, because he absolutely is, even when I let him be on top, the way he moves his body, the sounds he make – he’s so much better at femininity than me sometimes, haha 🙂
My partner has a beard, a hairy chest, hairy legs… like, I guess if you looked at him in his normal man-clothes, you wouldn’t ever think that he’s at all feminine. But when he’s with me, and we have our doors locked and our curtains drawn, he’s my little lesbian princess.
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All men are the same?
No, they’re not. You’re just dating the same type of men.
If you’re struggling with ladies who expect you to make the first move all the time, here are some really good tips.
1. If you’re in a big group and someone makes you all laugh, most people immediately look at the person in the group they’re most attracted to. So if you notice she looks at you when she laughs there’s a good chance.
2. A girl who keeps beating herself up on her looks, not only is she fishing for a compliment, she’s fishing for YOUR compliment. Though this usually means she’s interested in you, she could just be looking for attention. If she does it often to multiple people, it’s probably the latter.
3. If a girl talks about how long she spent getting ready and then asks your opinion on how she looks, she did it to impress you. (If she does this when you and her had specifically made plans to hang out, it’s even more explicit. Exceptions to this rule are weddings, parties, etc. etc.)
4. If a girl asks to sit next to you somewhere where there are other viable empty places/tables to sit at, she’s interested!
5. If a girl seems to be smiling with you way more than she does when she talks to other people, she’s interested in you.
6. If a girl says she’s really cold in an obviously warm environment, she probably wants you to warm her up (either through a hug or occasionally offering your jacket chivalrously). She’s interested in you. Cheesy but a lot of lasses still do this… 🙂
7. If a girl who is not a best friend type suggests watching a movie when you two are hanging out alone, she wants something to happen. She is interested.
8. If a girl gives you her number, on some level she is interested. Meaning she gives it to you without you prompting her first, though often if she gives it to you after you ask her it still means she’s interested*
9. If a girl is playing with her hair, biting her lip, blushing, smiling, making lots of eye contact – read the signs. She is interested. I know it’s cliche, but a lot of girls still twirl their hair when flirting. Girls usually stop doing this by the time they’re 21.
10. Girls like confidence. If you think a girl is interested in you, go for it! The worst that happens is a no. If she has a worse reaction, she’s someone you wouldn’t want to be around anyway.
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If physical diseases were treated like mental illnesses.
We’ve all been in a relationship where, we were just there for the sake of it… too lazy to break-up and deal with the aftermath… then there’s always the hassle of finding another partner. Hassle. It’s hassle. It takes time, energy, money. I’ve been in relationships where I just stayed because, well, I wasn’t really really unhappy, but I wasn’t happy either. I just existed there, in that time, in that space. After a while though, just existing wasn’t enough. So I came across an article today which spoke truths:-
In order to fully understand the truth behind this situation, you have to remember that all relationships are not created equal. There is a difference between true love and dysfunctional relationships. It is very easy to attract a dysfunctional relationship, the lowest hanging fruit. Those who have not done any inner work will tend to gravitate toward anyone who comes along where they feel a little chemistry. That is why your drama-queen friends always have a man. There is plenty of dysfunction to go around and most people settle for mediocre.
Look at your friends and family. How many of them have the ideal relationship you desire? If you review your romantic history, don’t you feel that most of your past lovers were less than wonderful? Even the ones you felt heartbroken over, you probably look back now and wonder what the heck you saw in that person. You know you can have a relationship, but you don’t just want to settle. You want an extraordinary true love.
The average person settles for mediocre. They don’t learn about life or try to improve themselves. They look for the easy way, the quick fix, and the path of least resistance. Inside of everyone is a yearning for more, but it is often pushed down with blaming others, the economy, their industry and their partners for their lack of satisfaction. They are the same people who think you are the one who is crazy for doing all that self-help, touchy –feely stuff. They never want to get into deep conversations and stick to small talk and gossip.
Because you are reading this I know you are not average…far from it. Instead of suppressing that inner yearning for more, you embrace it. You decide that you are the one who can make a difference and design a life that is more fulfilling. You may tend to be hard on yourself because you want the best in your life. Don’t let this inner drive tear you down and make your wrong for not having what everyone else appears to have.
If you look closely, what most people have is not what you want. Just finding a partner or having wealth doesn’t translate into happiness. Settling for mediocre only reinforces to the person that this is all they deserve. At some level they do know they are settling but won’t admit it or are in deep denial. Don’t make comparisons to others because external appearances can be deceitful.
I don’t believe in all the bullshit therapy that she offers, but she did write a pretty sweet article. I shared the article because it rings true for so many people. There is more than that though. There is more to life. There is more to love. True love and happiness does exist. You can wake up in the morning and think “fuck yeah, I really love my life and I’m really happy”. Most of what’s holding you back from meeting that person is you and all the obstacles you put in the way.
Here’s another awesome article written by Roque Caston, a gay man, on the same topic:
In the interest of balance, another interesting article, this time looking at the topic from the opposite side of the coin, Robert E Goodin suggesting that settling for medicore can be turned into a good thing:
I’m so glad I found your blog. There are many things I feel I can relate to, and that you inspire me to do (e.g. writing erotica). You also give me hope that my long distance relationship with the man of my dreams (also a sub) will last. =)
Ours started off as a long distance relationship. We met about 4 years ago and have been only living together for the last year. It was worth the wait…. life is good. Best of luck to you.